When you experience loss, it changes who you are; it changes what you think about the world and about yourself. You begin to reexamine every choice you have ever made, wondering which ones were mistakes, while fearing they all were.
For someone who didn't believe in regret before last year, i suddenly have more of them then i can count. The choices i thought to be the right ones for the life i thought i was going to live, all of the sudden are completely wrong.
Right now, I wish I had taken a different path, one that was my own, rather than the one that ran parallel to someone else's.
I have been told that one day I will get my head straight. I hope that to be true, otherwise, I do not know how long I will make it before I drive myself insane...
The problem is every time I ask a question, the answer leads to more questions, and even more often answers that leave me in the same place. But whether it be more questions or the sad, sad answers, it always turns out, that I created the problem for myself... it's a dangerously fast merry-go-round; which is ironic because there is nothing merry about going round and round.
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| a beautifully twisted soul |
I'd like to say that I have immense hope for my future; that I will one day find a new normal, but that normal will be the most miserable normal I could ever imagine.
I know exactly how you feel. I am here to say that finally, 11 years after i suffered my loss, I am truly in good spirits. I was completely lost, sick with the pain. For years I did whatever i had to do to numb the pain and even when i thought i had morned and everything was better, it wasn't. Luckily what is such a strong feeling now will subside into waves of deep depression, until one day you'll come out of your haze and you'll just be... it's almost like sobriety. everything is clear... yes i still miss and think about my father everyday it's just that the pain is very livable... and that doesn't make me a bad person for not holding onto that pain for the rest of my life. It's just how it is. i'm lucky to have made it through it. I hope you get through it faster than i did, our bodies can only take so much punishment. try to keep that in mind. i love you and wish you the best!
ReplyDeleteAshley, I am so happy that you have created this blog. I know that the pain that you still feel is immense but, I promise you, the pain will subside. You will learn to live with it because it is apart of you. It's only been 3 1/2 years since my loss and there are still days where I feel like I might lose my mind if I don't talk to her, I just want one more conversation with her. I still have moments where I feel like mourning all over again and it's not one thing that sets it off. I just want you to know that I am still here for you if you EVER need to talk. I'm thinking about you and keeping you and your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteFunny, I live two different lives....One that is smart in my mind and the other that is totally dumb in person! Ashley, I admire and love who you are! Keep up the great blogs, you're words are healing and so are you're followers....Thank you forever!
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