When you experience loss, it changes who you are; it changes what you think about the world and about yourself. You begin to reexamine every choice you have ever made, wondering which ones were mistakes, while fearing they all were.
For someone who didn't believe in regret before last year, i suddenly have more of them then i can count. The choices i thought to be the right ones for the life i thought i was going to live, all of the sudden are completely wrong.
Right now, I wish I had taken a different path, one that was my own, rather than the one that ran parallel to someone else's.
I have been told that one day I will get my head straight. I hope that to be true, otherwise, I do not know how long I will make it before I drive myself insane...
The problem is every time I ask a question, the answer leads to more questions, and even more often answers that leave me in the same place. But whether it be more questions or the sad, sad answers, it always turns out, that I created the problem for myself... it's a dangerously fast merry-go-round; which is ironic because there is nothing merry about going round and round.
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| a beautifully twisted soul |
I'd like to say that I have immense hope for my future; that I will one day find a new normal, but that normal will be the most miserable normal I could ever imagine.
